Friday, July 12, 2013

Its not about me

"There's no way that this is going to work."
I am sitting in my tiny dorm room staring at my computer screen. It is January and I have just finished filling out my application for Hands On. I stare at the tiny button. Submit. All I have to do is click it. Yet I sit there, staring at it. It's not because I don't want to go. I want to go more than anything. No, I am apprehensive because I am convinced that there is just no way that I will be able to pull it off. There is so much that has to come together just perfectly. "There is just no way that I can do this", I think to myself. But I click the button anyway.

A month later my application has been approved. I am officially going to West Africa. Officially, that is, if I can get my scholarships taken care of. It is February and I am searching like a madman on my school's website trying to find information about taking a leave of absence. That is the one thing that my parents are most worried about. I gather all the information I have, which isn't much, and go to the financial aid office. I am scared. "There is no way that they are going to approve me", I think to myself. "I don't have enough documentation. I don't have enough information." But I go in anyway.

Two weeks later I get an email saying that I am approved for a leave of absence and my scholarships will be waiting for me when I get back. It is May and between cramming for finals and packing to move back home, I write a support letter. "There is no way that I can raise this much money", I think. "There isn't enough time". I am worried. But I send it anyway.

It is July and I am sitting in my kitchen beside my Dad. He has made a spreadsheet for me and we are adding up all of the donations I have received. The response to my letters have been overwhelming. Everyday I am shock by how many people are willing to sacrifice to help me. My Dad shows me how much left I have to raise. I am close to being completely supported. Very close.

I have pretty much given up trying to figure everything out by myself. You would think that I would have learned this already, but no. I still try to control everything around me. Yet every time I face a seemingly impossible obstacle, I am gently reminded by God that this is not about me. It's not about what I can or can't handle. It's not about what I can or can't do. None of that matters. None of this is about me.

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